So today was a hard day...So I found out what true repentance is today. Is funny casue I asked God what it was earlier this year and now I have had to seek it. Its so strange how everything has worked out. Last night I just sat down to talk to God and he smacked me in the face with my sin...it was like a truck hit me. I realized what i had to do...I told my roommate and I cried alot and then got really sick about the possible consequences. I didn't really sleep all night and woke up determined. Its funny because I saw another friend and just knew I had to share with her...she asked some questions and revealed she was too struggling with sins that she was trying so hard to cover but was making her life miserable...funny how God works like that...I haven't heard him speak like this in a long time...he is inside...I mean eghh so hard to describe. I am open to God again...He has broken me..ohh God I never want to be that far away again...it 's so scary without you...so dark and lonely. I can't do this on my own...God only you can uphold me.
So I have also been totally rocking out to Derek Webb...utterly amazing...this song is my theme song. It's calle Crooked deep down

my life looks good i do confess, you can ask anyone
just don’t ask my real good friends
because they will lie to you
or worse, they’ll tell the truth

because there are things you would not believe
that travel into my mind
i swear i try and capture them
but always set ‘em free
it seems bad things comfort me

(chorus)
good lord i am crooked deep down
everyone is crooked deep down
but good lord i am crooked deep down
everyone is crooked deep down
everyone is crooked deep down

there is this girl she was made for me
but she stood me up our wedding day
and now that girl runs around on me
and she’s drunk all the time
but i’d die to make her mine

(chorus)

i’m not water but i’m not wine
you could say i’m just here for the party
with one thing on my mind
squeezing me and my camel through that needles eye
(chorus)

Yeah so I confess to this person and it was probally the most beautiful moment of my life.