Have you ever had one of those nights that you can't sleep - your mind keeps going a mile a minute- you're exhausted but you just can't sleep - you have this burning inside you to talk, think and pray at the same time - you know you are the brink of abreak through but you just can't seem to grasp it - thats hpw I feel right now...I'm excited about something but I don't know what. My body feels sleepy but my mind is all crazy like. I guess I should explain somethings - like why.So I am in bed doin my daily journaling right - when I relaize that I love NZ - like enough to live here always - but not with Impact International - or doing campus ministry. I realized that I miss New Mission Systems International - the people I went to Kenya with - that I keep in my mind comparing the two experiences and NMSI keeps winning - that my heart is with NMSI and not with Impact. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing in ministry - I even wonder if ministry is for me at times - but then tonight I relaized that I do love people - I rememebered leaving the school I taught at i Kenya - I remembered a promise I made - I remembered the children and all the sudden this feeling rushed all over me. It was amazing and earth shattering. I remembered the love of God towards his children...I remembered what it felt like to be an instrument of this love - to be literally his hands, feet, mouth, and heart. I realized that I have not been loving and accepting others like that. I started to sing - in my bed a simple song. Our God is so big - Our GOd is so big...I sang it in english and the simple swahilli- the in my head I could hear the man who taught the song to us - Japeth singing - I miss africa - I am crying now - i miss it so much - My heart is crying out for my children - it is crying out to those people. I am so confused right now - I feel caught between this huge battle - and that I have been lied to and held captive for months and that I am finally being set free - free to love and be loved. This is so strange - I wish I had someone to talk to about it. I need to be praying - if you read this please pray - The battle is raging here and I am caught up in it.