Home Group Prefect - that's what I was officially made on Tuesday night - I guess I should back this thing up and chat about the whirlwind that my life has been. Ok, I'll just start with Monday - Well I went shopping with AJ all day - it was so much! He loves Bryan Adams - I love Bryan Adams - yeah it was a total bonding moment - well at least for me. No he bought me Brooke Frasier CD - for real everyone should get this CD - its kick butt awesome. I helped him buy 2 great shirts - this black one is..Well...Yeah...Home...Well...Way too good looking. It was so much fun helping him shop. I also went with him to pick his uncle up at the airport - ahh Uncle O - so cool- we had lunch with him at AJ's house - I went home and crashed for about an hour then Heather called and we chatted for 2 hrs and then it was too late to nap so I got up. I went to bed at 9:30 - yeah I am so coming down with something. Then on Tuesday I did some lesson plans - Carrie came over - ad we had another "chat" never tell me that you want to "chat" with me ever - this trip has forever ruined "chat" in my vocab because I always know that I've screwed something up if you say "chat". Anyway, basically she told me that she was frustrated, upset, and disappointed in me because I wasn't following through with my English lesson planning - she informed me that I was the one responsible for making the lessons and that she had made that clear - well see I understood that I was in charge of the until she was done working at the hub - which ended 2 weeks ago - so I've been frustrated that I have been planning them - or her attuitde about what I have been doing - after all I have been just as busy as her. Uhaghhhhh I am so tired of all this no offensive bullshit - man that felt good to say. I realize I am sucking it up on this internship - stop rubbing my face in it. She complained that my heart wasn't in it - I put it in it. Now she is telling me that my actions aren't in it - ok I have no idea what to teach them or how to do this - isn't learning the whole point of an internship -a hhhhhhh. Ok so I am done whining - I just haven't had anyone to talk to about this. So anyway as soon as she says all this I whip out my work - yeah it was all like bam Corey is on. Well, I went to AJ's early to turn his house into a winter wonderland for our midwinter Christmas party - so much fun. I kicked tail in the trivia portion. SO girls ended up winning 3000 to 1000 - we totally dominated...So afterwards I was talking to AJ and ended up acciently telling him that Carrie is much better at criticing than encouragement - I was being completely honest - It felt so good to be honest - it was like the mask that was suffocating me being removed and I could breathe. I hate being fake more than anything else - I can't stand it. God wants ad has planned for us to be open and transparent and I realize that is one thing I haven't been here - transparent - I miss it. But on the negative side I shouldn't have said anything about Carrie - I hope it wasn't gossip it wasn't my intention at all. Well so today I went into the city with my Chinese students - we ate lunch at this Chinese place - for real I was gagging at one point - I can't do Chinese food for some reason - it makes me sick! I had some great convos with the girls - Teaching the Japanese Boys went well ...I am really not feeling well now - my throat is raw, my head hurts and my tummy is upset - I want to be mothered ...ahh being sick in a foreign country - I want my mum!

FULL-ON. I think thats one of my favorite sayings - for real. I love it and it captures a true depth of meanings. Well anyway its like almost 12:30am and I just got home 30mins ago from iceskating. Yeah uhmm...Monday I am am going write everything dow - I just wanted a say a quick hi - hi. I am going non-stop till monday and even thast turned full-on also. I desperately need guy advice - I have no clue what I am doing in this department - way foreign to me. Till then I'll just be doin what comes natural - daydream and over anyalze -isn't that what girls are supposed to do? Well, Jesse I am amazed by you each time I savor a peanut butter m&M- they for real take me to a better place. Its like a welcome home party in my mouth evertime I eat one - I'm saving the mac and cheese for a really bad day when all I want is home. No for real thank you for all your support and encouragement - what would I do without you. Oh I am so missing Cadmens call - Long Line of Leavers cd right now - My soul is craving it. Oh if you want some sweet as Kwiwi Christian music - Brooke Frasier - for real so good if you can get her do - I'll be bringing her home with me thats for sure - so incredible. well I must fall in to bed - only to get out of it in uhmm 6 hrs - not enough sleep at all for my schedule.

So its been like a week and life as usual has been full-on here. First things are soooo much better with Carrie - we are getting along - even joking around- yeah quite a change - praise Yahweh for that one. Second, yeah so on Friday I got to teach the Japanese boys English - it was so much fun! I really love just being around them - their kind of leader told us that we - 2 Americans are the only ones who have volunteered and actually teach them English - not only that have built a relationship with them. Its sad to think of what the New Zealanders are missing out on because of their racism against Asians. Then on Saturday morning I helped a student move into her new home - this tiny Chinese woman totally showed me up - I was struggling with this box and she took it away from me like it was light as a feather - I was all like man I am so weak. Then on Saturday night was the long awaited Girl's night - it rocked so much fun!!! Words can not express how perfect it was - the decorations were beautiful (me!!!) the food great! I was queen of Karoke - I totally blasted out footloose, some Queen, Spice Girls, Brittany Spears, and well...Yeah everything else under sun - It was sweet as. We also had a dancing room that rocked - I got jiggy with it...nanananana. Then on Sunday was my small group potluck - so fun - I love my small group - can I just say that - They have ministered to me in every way possible I think. Then was youth - which rocked -AJ was preachin it hardcore - it was about worship - I have never seen him preach like that - it wasn't him speaking it was God - then I did the communion meditation...I forgot how much I miss teaching and speaking in front of people. Then I went home ad spent 3 hours with my friend heather on the phone - 3 hours - it was wonderful! Then today I woke up late - I was a bit tired from the weekend...And went to the tazman Ocean or sea - whatever...For real the most beautiful place on earth. The surf was totally full-on - it was violent. I was in utter awe - my breath was taken from my lips. All I could think was my God how great tho art. The sand was black - not just black but sparkly, purple, and silver - it was the coolest thing ever- I think it might be one of my favorite places on earth. I don't ever want to leave this place - weird huh 2 weeks ago I was ready to hop on the next flight - now I am trying to figure out how to stay forever. Tonight I got to hang out with Heather again - I dread leaving her - its so great to have her to talk to about everything girlie and stupid but also deep and spiritual. I appreciate her and I'm thankful for her. Also, I guess I have to confess - this is so hard for me to admit - I have a crush - yes I feel so silly being a 22 year old woman with a crush - a crush - It makes me feel 13. I know nothing would ever happen - guys tend to see me as the "friend" or "little sister" - I am not a girl guys like - I realize this. I just wish for once well...never mind enough of my pity party and the whole Going back to the states in 4 weeks also puts a damper on everything. Ohh the coolest thing happened also today - I got a real life package from the states - for me!!!!! JESSIE YOU ARE A ROCKSTAR - I LOVE YOU - I loved you before but...but thank you for thinking of me and spending all that money - you seriously rock my world - you get the gold star of friendship for week - (You too can win this sticker - all you have to do is send me things - food, pictures, encouraging notes, - cash - whatever) I am just so blown away by everyone's encouragement - you all lift me up so much - I hope you know that whenever I get a lil comment it makes my day.

Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero Name	Emo Kid
Super Power	Irresistable Sexuality
Enemy	The Landlord
Mode Of Transportation	Shopping Cart
Weapon	Sporks
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

So today was fun - I got to do something - something was fun. I cleaned the church building - I got to do the bathrooms - it was so relaxing. I also got to be in charge of decortaing for Girls night - I am so loving all this youth stuff. Yesterday I spent way too much time (10 hours)dying and burning these poems for the girls - they tell them that they are princess and need to start acting like it - they are really cool looking - way to go me - I just hope the girls like them. I also was able to spend all day with this amazing chick Belinda - she is incredible. We spent all day painting and drawing - it was really uplifting and good for my spirit. I really enjoyed it - so fun. I then went to a dinner party for one of my students - it was really fu also - I met another really neat Chinese woman who actually lives right by me - I think that I am going to try to met with her once a week. I also got to see one of my new favorite obsessions - Rugby - the All Blacks - the New Zealand national team - they played England and totally dominated - so proud! England was the world camps - until now!!!! I got a letter from the President of NMSI - and he is excited that I am apply -I'm excited I'm applying - I just feel this peace about it. So yeah today was a great day - oh funny thing on the side teh lady I'm boarding with - Jacqui is a new Christian - she's great fun - she's 27 married, with 2 year old Connor...well she just told me how to make a hash cake - she doesn't anymore but well I know how to if I need to - all I am going to say is pantyhose is the key. I love this house - God placed me in the perfect homestay.

So really not much has happned here the past few days - I have been suffering from a severe case of boredom. I have been kinda sick - but not sick but sick enough not to go out anywhere. I just want to run free doing something - anything. The other night I ended up applying for a apprenticeship with NMSI - It was where I landed and I knew that is where God wanted me- weird huh? I have no idea where I am supposed to serve but I know it is with them at least right now in life - I just feel a little wierd becasue I am on my internship with a different missions agency. Last night I had another meeting - it went ok. I forgot something that was important and Sean was all like...I'm very disapointed in you - why are we even having this meeting. I felt like trash but I came back withI know what I need to adress. I also told him that the academic side of the internship really wasn't his responibility - it was mine and what I don't do effects me. Yeah, I showed up wearing a huge baggy sweatshirt, my hair in pigtails, and no makeup - I looked young and I could not even remotely be accused of flirting - In dress or manner. I guess I am tired of trying to make these two people happy - its only been a week. If I do something especially in missions isn't it supposed to be for the glory of God and not to make sure that someone isn't "disapointed" in me. I was talking with Jacqui last night - we talk every all the time nowadays. She was reminding me that I have to make sure I respect Carrie and Sean - I think I personally have a very hard time respecting either one - and that is where my additude is coming from. It is changing - especially Carrie and I - but I see her almost everyday. I rarely see Sean. All teh issues with Carrie were easy to address - they were me - but with Sean I feel embaressed and arkward - the need to save face or to protect myself - I don't want to be hurt like I was last week - I don't want that shame- so I am doin everything in my power to make sure it dosn't happen again. Sean is my leader and Carrie's friend - he is not my friend and most likely never will be - I am ok with that - I just have to make sure that I show him respect and treat him as a brother in Christ - this whole treatig people as Christ would really bites at time becasue everything in me is screaming - keep him away - be closed but Christ in me is saying - who are you to treat him this way. Humm...yeah this has been yet another glance inside my head and the way I work through an issue - I hope I didn't scare anyone and that you enjoyed the show.

Have you ever had one of those nights that you can't sleep - your mind keeps going a mile a minute- you're exhausted but you just can't sleep - you have this burning inside you to talk, think and pray at the same time - you know you are the brink of abreak through but you just can't seem to grasp it - thats hpw I feel right now...I'm excited about something but I don't know what. My body feels sleepy but my mind is all crazy like. I guess I should explain somethings - like why.So I am in bed doin my daily journaling right - when I relaize that I love NZ - like enough to live here always - but not with Impact International - or doing campus ministry. I realized that I miss New Mission Systems International - the people I went to Kenya with - that I keep in my mind comparing the two experiences and NMSI keeps winning - that my heart is with NMSI and not with Impact. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing in ministry - I even wonder if ministry is for me at times - but then tonight I relaized that I do love people - I rememebered leaving the school I taught at i Kenya - I remembered a promise I made - I remembered the children and all the sudden this feeling rushed all over me. It was amazing and earth shattering. I remembered the love of God towards his children...I remembered what it felt like to be an instrument of this love - to be literally his hands, feet, mouth, and heart. I realized that I have not been loving and accepting others like that. I started to sing - in my bed a simple song. Our God is so big - Our GOd is so big...I sang it in english and the simple swahilli- the in my head I could hear the man who taught the song to us - Japeth singing - I miss africa - I am crying now - i miss it so much - My heart is crying out for my children - it is crying out to those people. I am so confused right now - I feel caught between this huge battle - and that I have been lied to and held captive for months and that I am finally being set free - free to love and be loved. This is so strange - I wish I had someone to talk to about it. I need to be praying - if you read this please pray - The battle is raging here and I am caught up in it.

So the past few days have been way tough here. God tends to like to break me when I least expect it and it always is earth shattering. Where to start. So on Thursday I show up for my meeting at Carrie's right and Sean is there. I was told it was going to be a plannig time and reviewing personal goals time - well no it was at all it was a full on lets have a "talk" time. I was told that if they wern't insterested in seeing me grow they would have sent me home about a week ago. That I have made some big relational mistakes and that my attitide sucked and that I had a pride issue. So yeah uhmm that hurt just a little - I took all of it well. I was hurt but I guess they have the right to say these things as my leaders. I have to trust that God is leading them and these are real issues. I was also told that a mature Christian woman told Carrie that I need to watch myself around guys - that I was a flirt. What is more is that I made Sean uncomfortable - which was totally innocent believe me - I was just being myself and relaxed. So that was hard for me to hear especially when Carrie told me that it was biblical for me to be corrected - I had to remind Carrie that the Bible does not say 4 people talk about it then tell Corey - 2 weeks later. It says so straight to her - that is what I was mad about well hurt is a better word. I never will get a chance to tell who ever thought that anything - instead they think I am a flirt. I guess I am feeling extremly broken and pulled apart - like nothing I do is right. Which I know is Satan swooping down and preying on me when I am weak. I feel better with Carrie - we understand each other better. I feel so uncomfortable around Sean - like I can't be myself. I know that he knows that I know he thought I was flirting with him - which I totally wasn't - it just sucks becasue he is definatly one of my leaders for the summer. Like I said I am glad all of this has happened because it will make things better it just totally blows at this moment. I am just in need of a lot of encouragement and affrimation from them but I don't know how to tell them to go easy on teh corrections for a few days. I have been totally torn down and now I don't know what to do or who to be...

So today I worked in the office - I love working in the office - the people and actually doing something. Carrie reminded me that it was only temporary that I am working in the office and I got sad - I will be going back to working one on one with her...I feel bad becasue she is my boss for the summer but honestly I really don't get along with her at all...I mean perfectly nice and friendly to her but she makes me feel like an idiot and always feels this need to pout me into my place or remind me that she knew all these people before her...I am trying my best - I pray about it and I guess I am just going to have to talk with her about it. I am so scared of coflict lately - I know conflict is healthy and all but man its hard to deal with. Other than that I am feeling great - excited to spend time with God - I crave journaling Him now. I hate to get all wierd but guys you might not want to read - its about girl stuff. I guess I am realizing how much hormones change from week to week in me and how they affect me. Right now I am in the "I'm dead sexy - happy to be single - love life" time of the month - next is the "I just want to cuddle -and have boyfriend" time of the month then is the "This virgin thing sucks" time of the month - followed by " I hate everyone and I want to be alone and no one understands me time of the month. Followed by the if you show me a sappy movie or a halmark commerical I will totally weep" time of the month. How is it possible to change so much in a month - sometimes I wonder if I am normal or not and then I realize most girls do this week after week month after month and year after year - why would anyone want to marry into this kind of emotional/hormonal instability? Ok that was my random thought for the day. kinda long but random none the less. Ohhh I bake last night - I must say I did good. I baked peanut butter kisses cookies - how I got a New Zealand man by Corey Huckaby - no just joking...its for small group. My mom already told me that I was't allowed to fall in love with a NZer becasue it was too far away- thats not why I am here anyway (its the I'm dead sexy - happy to be single - love life time right now) I realized that a guy will have to totally pursue me because my minddoesn't think teh other way - it shuts down. Sometimes I honestly wonder if I know him or not? If he is a friend - one time honestly I met someone and I it just clicked for me - he was totally not what I expected or even pictured and my heart was like thud thud thud - He is the one that I see myself with - the one if I dream about my wedding or future being married its to him - not really all that healthy but...its what I do...Funy because even when like this year I had a crush on a guy - it was the other guy I knew was for. This is getting wierd even for me - but its good to be honest with myself - I wonder if he has ever felt the same way or if heart went thud thud thud - if he dreams of me? Hummmm...well this was a true entry of a scatterbrain - welcome to the party that goes on 24/7.