So today I called in sick..I feel like crapola...my throat...my head...my back...ahhh no feeling good and Spain is now only days away - ok 4 to be exact. I then went to the supre walmart and did all my Spain shopping...spent way tt much and had to return a good portion after I realized what I had done...I wish I was better with money - I am realizing that it is not my strong point and I hope that one day my husband will be the one to be good with it. My new philosophy is what is the point of having something unless you can give it away. Also I went to the mall and bought bright blue capris - yeah I was a victim of peer pressure. We also had soem Chick-fil-a ok I swear they put crack in that stuff to make it even better...it like need more chicken----more sweet tea. Then I came home and took a fatty nap - I kept waking myself up becasue of my snoring - gross for real. I then got up and cleaned my room - had good LL time. So basically I was able to just relax and get a lot of stuff done that I haven't had time lately to do and won't have the time to do before Spain. I am so excited about Spain...I am also so scared. I deal with these lil insecurites all the time - like what if they don't like me, what if I am ineffective...gosh it is hard to listen to them...I know that they are lies from Satan but...I guess I just feel not prepared for this trip at all. I know that God's blessing is totally covering it. Also I have been totallt rockin out to the new Five For Fighting cd...give it a listen I love tract 10.

So yeah I work way too much...I mean I like work and all but I am tired of always being there. I am becoming disgruntled. I guess I am all pissy today...kinda cranky/angry with a dash of self hatred. Yeah it's definately PMS time...I am hubgry like a man and I could go postal at any moment. How do people still like me after I am like this a week of every month. Anyway let me tell about yesterday (good day) So I worked as usual...then I went to see Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind...ok I seriously think it was one of the best movies I have ever seen. GO SEE IT PEOPLE - spend the extra $ to see it in the theaters. I then hung out with some UT peeps...it was good times...so different than JBC. I was honestly more uncomfortable there than I was in Africa...like for real it was a cross-cultural setting. I loved it. I loved how open and real everyone was...they didn't pretend to be anyone but who they were...there was no leftover high-school bull crap. They just hung out. I am so scared to do college ministry...its a lot more involved than I firts thought. I have no trouble acting crazy and having a good time but when it comes to being serious I have no idea what to do...I have no experience in doing it....I have no experiences with people that aren't in Bible college and in a semester I will not be in Bible college either...ahhhh. I was so excited to get to know Jesse better at UT she is so amazing and encoruages me...she is solid and excited to to share Christ...I really look up to her a lot. Uhmm then Today has been crazy busy. CSF rocked totally...God was moving through Steven as he was leading worship - it all just connected and was so such a frangrant offering to the Lord. Then was lunch at Moe's - I had the homewreaker...I suggest it. I love post CSF lunch fellowship- so much sass, encouragement, humor, sarcasm,and laughter....it is definately a bright spot of my week. I then hung around till I had to work...work sucked tonight...I just didn't want to be there. I was however able to buy some gifts for the family...I got my nephew Ethan (my heart) the coolest book ever...it is called How do Dinosaurs say goodnight - it has a Corythosaurus in it....thats my dino - so excited! Other than that had some sweet alone time and found some girlscout cookies...so I'm no longer hungry like a man but I do however feel like lesser of a person.

Well I didn't feel like writting whenI got home last night and so I went to bed. Yesterday was all crazy like. I for real saw the beautiful outdoors for maybe a total of 40 min all together...so sad. Work was good. Guess what happened/...finally after my 22 years of existence it has happened...the unbelieveable...someone left me his digits....I have finally arrived!!!! Ok so maybe he is a hardcore Catholic and to boot he is going to seminary after he graduates in May...seminary to become a freaking PRIEST! Yeah uhmm so I can expand that range of guys that like me...50+; 5 and under; and now future Catholic priests. It was kinda funny cause this girl was asking me about dating (she knew I was single) and she offered to hook me up with a friend - I was able to without thinking say, "I am not really looking right now - I don't want to be in a relationship" Who said that...me...I was amazed. Other than that we watche like a million Kids at Westtown. I had the younger kids...yeah Uhmm not ready to be a mom. It was fun to be around kids again. People were so very generous...we thought we would make only 100 dollars and we made 400! God is totally providing for Spain. He is always so faithful.

So I was in charge of devos...I did this cool thing with candles outside the dorm. well this girl poked her head out her window and was all like is someone getting engaged...All I could do is laugh...we are so focused on getting married her at good olde JBC...I quickly corrected her and was all like no its for a devo and she was like its soooo romantic. I will admit it went really well tonight...we prayed prayers from this awesome book...it is collection of prayers from ancient Christian writers to modern day Christian authors...so good. Other than that I am sunburned. It reminds me of Beatrice from Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing...in it she said remarks about being sunburned:
Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to the world but I, and I am sunburnt; I may sit in a corner and cry heigh-ho for a husband!
I am in no way in want of a husband right now - so not ready. Isn't that funny when I was a freshman I was all ready to be married and now I am all like ahhh not ready yet.
Now I Much Ado about Nothing is prehaps on of my fav Shakespeare plays - you can rent it...soo good. For real Beatrice is my favorite Female Shakespeare character and I absolutely love Bendict (The guy she hooks up with) I guess I want my love to be like theirs - on of my ideals if you will.

So today was sooo much fun and so was last night. So church was hardhitting...for real it touched on a lot of areas in my life that I try so hard to gloss over. I am also excited go out with everone sat night. Uhmm so today was just fun. First I played hooky from my 7:35 and then chapel was just like wow...for real...then I got to go study outside. So I read 30 pages in uhmm almost 4 hours. Ok so I broke out my baby pool and filled it up and played around. I am soo sunburned...not my face (yeah no wrinkles). It was one of those random I am sooo in college days. Then we had a spain meeting...so fun...we are all so random. We totally watched thois girl talk to a bird...she was like having a hard core convo with it. So yeah 8 days till spain. AHH so lil time left here at school.

So today was a hard day...So I found out what true repentance is today. Is funny casue I asked God what it was earlier this year and now I have had to seek it. Its so strange how everything has worked out. Last night I just sat down to talk to God and he smacked me in the face with my sin...it was like a truck hit me. I realized what i had to do...I told my roommate and I cried alot and then got really sick about the possible consequences. I didn't really sleep all night and woke up determined. Its funny because I saw another friend and just knew I had to share with her...she asked some questions and revealed she was too struggling with sins that she was trying so hard to cover but was making her life miserable...funny how God works like that...I haven't heard him speak like this in a long time...he is inside...I mean eghh so hard to describe. I am open to God again...He has broken me..ohh God I never want to be that far away again...it 's so scary without you...so dark and lonely. I can't do this on my own...God only you can uphold me.
So I have also been totally rocking out to Derek Webb...utterly amazing...this song is my theme song. It's calle Crooked deep down

my life looks good i do confess, you can ask anyone
just don’t ask my real good friends
because they will lie to you
or worse, they’ll tell the truth

because there are things you would not believe
that travel into my mind
i swear i try and capture them
but always set ‘em free
it seems bad things comfort me

(chorus)
good lord i am crooked deep down
everyone is crooked deep down
but good lord i am crooked deep down
everyone is crooked deep down
everyone is crooked deep down

there is this girl she was made for me
but she stood me up our wedding day
and now that girl runs around on me
and she’s drunk all the time
but i’d die to make her mine

(chorus)

i’m not water but i’m not wine
you could say i’m just here for the party
with one thing on my mind
squeezing me and my camel through that needles eye
(chorus)

Yeah so I confess to this person and it was probally the most beautiful moment of my life.

Today was random..ok so my life is random. First I woke up late and this all this small crap that I have been meaning to do forever. Then I went to the free box and found the greatest thing ever...they are red men's pjs..the kind that are like a jumpsuit with its crowning glory...the butt flap...my life is now complete...I want ti save them for my honeymoon...for real bust them out on the first night...and be all like hey honey ready to cuddle. Ohh pity the man I will love with all my heart...I wonder if any man is ready for this. I also went swimsuit shopping...yeah so I feel like lesser of a person. Then I some new clothes...if only it would warm up again.. ghee whiz its cold...other than that I have had some great reflective time. Time to just sit and think and talk to God. Like I totally feel God is preparing me for something...I just don't know what. Like all my life I have been so focused on being a missionary that I have ignored the simpliest call he has given me...to love him and love my neighbor...for real...I have just been thinking about love and what it is. Not nessarily romantic love...that also...but selfless love. God just has been totally taking care of me lately...holding me in his right hand if you will. Like the alone time thing...my roommate disapeared all weekend...I love her to death but I needed it so very much. I have also been totally listening to Derek Webb...he is utterly amazing. Well thats about it...yet again michelle you have rocked my world...I love you so very much...you make a beautiful knocked up woman...the bow was the touch of class

Michelle...you are too wonderful to me. I really think you might have a music career ahead of you. Thank you so very much friend...you are a huge blessing from God. I hope you know that.

So today was strange. I was grateful for Kym's church letting us help. It was fun...so many good memories were made...the lady with the extremely high bangs...the lady with the people on her red sweater...the off key soloist...the supper crazy fast guitarist...Sitting between Michelle and Allen...yeah so I laughed a lot. Oh I also didn't know church suppers could be so crazy...for real a lady cried so was so upset over the noodles. Yeah and I can not say no....I ended up with two huge tubs of sauce that we left on the side of the road. I also saw the Bristol motor way...Yeah totally still don't know what the big deal is. The ride home was fun...interesting convos...humm yeah it was fun...I also got to ride up with Kym and I really like her more and more...she is a great gal. Her ring is blinging huge. I got to go to church tonight-yeah I love the CSF house. The people are so encourageing...and I always walk away feeling uplifted and special. God is moving in people there and it is exciting to be apart of. I am now getting some sweet alone time...I crave it.
So I totally thought I was over him but then its like bammm...mannnn I hate this cause I know I will only get hurt -my heart really hasn't been hurt by a boy before - I don't want it to be. Other than that I really struggle with my future and what I will be doing in 6 months. I really want to do God's will and I jut don't know what that it right now. I know he wants me in minstry..I love people and want to help them to build a deeper relationship with Christ I just don't know how. I just don't want to settle in life. I worry about so much in life...I totally know I shouldn't...I just can't help it. I just wish I had a course of action...a game plan if you will...a focus in life.

Well work was kinda fun...I worked for 9 1/2 hours...dude I am so tired. Ohh there was the cutest old man...he was born in 1925...anyway he told me I was a delightful young woman and patted my cheek...then this guy that I work with told me a was wholesome...what am a carton of milk? So basically yeah I got to play with babies and old people...unfortunatly all I want to do is be alone but alas there are people everywhere I go...I am really praying about Spain...I know that God is going to be doing great things there.

Do you ever have a night where you just go from one dream to another. That was my night last night. First I dreamed I was back in Africa...it was a beautiful and yet sad dream. It is so funny that I want to go back so bad this summer and yet I know I can't. I felt like it was home in my dream and yet when I was there I had a very hard time. I also had a dream I was rooming with Michelle. That was a crazy dream...There was loud music and random people playing cameo roles. It was a fun dream. Then I had a bad dream that my mom had a terminal illness...yeah who dreams those kind of dreams. So I woke up all upset and almost in tears...not fun. Then my last dream of the night was a makeout dream...I will not say who but it was pleasant dream...nothing really bad happened we just madeout...I woke up from that saying huhh where in the world did that one come from. Funny how dreams are...

Ok, so work was sooo busy. We had a shoplifter...I wanted to scream SHHHOOOPPP LIFFFTTTTTERRRRR....like in empire...but alas we had no Lucas to stop him and so he drove off into the night. Other than that I am dog tired and still in want of a small chinese woman to work on my back...sweet mother it hurts bad. Well I am getting into bed and waking up to go to work again...gotta love weekends

So I totally fell asleep last night at 8:30...and slept till 6am...dude I for real have not slept that long in awhile. I woke up ready to go...I was all like lets play - kind of fiesty. It is wierd that I wake up ready to dance and play around...its like lets talk...my roommate is like eghhhha9djsbbshalahsdga8....which means do you want the shower first? So yeah I am a tad bit of a morning person...I am getting better. Oh I also found out something new...I like coffee...ok not all coffee but the ethiopian stuff my roomie makes...I am like a crackwhore for it.Today so far has been good. Class good...Dr. Gartner is like funny...like its new thing...its like so great...I am sad purity emphasis week is over...it was really good. It was funny I went to purity emphasis week to Shakespeare class...where we talked about - you guessed it sex. In some ways Ron Wheller is a horny old man. I also feel like ohh my...I never knew that..ohh wow...as a blush like a lil girl during discussions. I like that it can be discussed and that it is not only educational but we also apply it to our lives. I realized I love Othello even more than I orginally did...it is such a wonderful play in so many levels...and Romeo and Juilet also...I had read it in high school and kinda written off - it is a beautiful play and turns me into such a girl. Other than that I got to talk to michelle ma belle on the phone...which is funny cause we live in the same building...so close and yet so far away. Oh I still have not figured out how to add links...its not that I don't love you all...I just can not figure tham out for the life of me. Oh todays delema...to go to senior banquet or not to go to senior banquet that is the question. I have a hot dress - a pretty lil purple number but no date. This would involve me growing balls and asking someone - which can be quite painful. Or skip it and go see Ben in concert and have my first roadtrip? ohh the choices. Its so hard to be me. Well I best bust a move and get ready for work...another exciting night at Khol's...I hate this cause I get off at 8:30 but I don't want to do anything after work....I know I can paint...oh oh I bought canvas and I am now so excited.

So Unfortunately I have no creepy old man stories...I guess I am loosing my touch but I remembered the funniest thing...ok I thought it was funny - that doesn't really mean much at times. So at the new superwalmart there is a gaint cow - like freakin huge (I WILL take a picture with it) so I see it and Susan Martin exclaims - I want to mount it...ok so I have foul mind at times also....but it was so very funny. Other than that I am excited I might get to touch my very first Llamma and potbelly pig this weekend...and a miniture donkey...I am so excited this city girl is goin all country for a day...ok maybe like a hour...but still so very excited about it!!!!!! Oh and Michelle we are so going to see Ben (we are on first name basis). That thought got me through work. Also...white trash party is in the making...stay tuned for details.

So how does God just totally know how to satisy just in the perfect way that completely fills me. Yesterday sucked...I totalled cried about my home church thing (I never cry) - which I have an update one...they are paying for the rest of this semester...and I think for my internship to New Zealand...it turns out it was one lady that was jealous I was getting so much and her kids weren't. This whole this opens a whole new can of worms...for example my family is not involved at all with helping me...they can't at this point...and yet this lady (who is quite well off and comfortable) is upset becasue the church is taking care of me and making sure that I will be able to fulfill my call to ministry. I don't know what to think...I am not angry just saddend and I guess just a little disillusioned right now. On the other hand...I am going to Spain and that I am so excited about. Oh yeah so there is this song...satisfied....I made it my header thingie...well some of the words anyway...It was my song of last summer...I guess I am learning I can always try to full my life with so much but in the end its so empty and hollow. I am tured of feeling so shallow and hollow...
On a lighter side I went to the new super walmart...it was glorious...so excited about selling my soul to shop there...Thats about it...I have to work so i am sure I will have creppy old man stories later - just for you trace, (3), or tres.

Have you ever read an email or gotten news that totally freaks you out and you don't know what to do...That just happened. So I check my email and I see there is a note from my mentor's husband. He writes that my church is thinking of not supporting because I can afford to go to Spain...what the freaking hell is going on...soory I need to rant...first my church is not supporting me going to Spain...I have been working on my own for it...and who do they think they are to say that about me - I mean I work 20 hours a week and carry a full load...if they do not want to support me that is fine...I mean I need their money but not if they are going to say crap like that about me...ahhh so pissed off and I am like way hurt by this...I don't know what to do. What should I do? I have no clue. It's like they don't trust me...They raised me...aren't they supposed to be the ones I trust and can lean on.

Today I was tired. I woke up at 5am to write a paper...and get ready. I was all done by 6:20am...I was so mad I got up so early. Uhmm Oh being a whore went well...I guess it just comes so naturally to me (ohh I can joke becasue I have never been in a relationship or let alone been on a date before - not bitter) Classes were good. So I love Tommy Smith...I never want class to end he is so wise. Uhmm yeah...so it sucks when God totally takes someone out of your life you don't want to give up...I mean its not a guy (dare to dream he would notice me in that way) it just sucks not to have the control to fix a situation that you want to have resloved - but the balls not in my court. It just bites having to sit back and wait patiently and pray that everything will work out. I see in retrosect that God is working mightly through this situation and is using it to grow closer to him...don't ever ask for his eyes and heart cause when he gives them to everything changes...My new thing is being alone in public...it freaks me out...well I am working on that and finding out that I crave alone time more and more...Oh on a lighter side my soccer game when really well...we tied...I played middle something and almost died...I was like a small asmatic child whezzing all over the place...kinda scary maybe I should get that one checked out. I only said damn one time...ok so a yelled it really loud...but it was just once. I also ot in trouble for elbowing and pushing...apearently that is a no no. Ok why do people say exercise is supposed to make you less hungry...I am hungry like man after a game...went to Wendy's with LeLyne...good times good times...Other than that I think I am going to be a grandma and go to bed. So tired and sore...I could buy a small chinese woman to rub my back and neck right now. I never knew I had some of these muscles.

So today was well today...
Work was slow and boring...ok why am I only attractive to old men...its like Grandpas hitting on me at work...why can't it be some 20 something man who loves Christ and maybe plays the mandoiln...ok I'll settle for the guitar...and cute. why can't those kind of guys hit on me...no I get the ones with a fake hip...smells like old spice...comb overs...and dentures. Ok I guess its spring on Jbc campus finally getting to me...people stop think with their semi functioning brains and begin to pair off...and somehow I feel (irrationally so) that I am the left over...ughhh I hate the girls lobby...people are for real like all over each other...its like dude you'll see them tommorrow get off of her. Sorry I guess I have some rage issues...I lent someone my ben Folds and now I have no release. Other than work I had more good convo with LeLyne...I am in a skit tommorrow...I get to be a whore..yeah I never get to be whore...I always am the sweet innocent one...you would be surpised what I would do for a steak dinner though...well I have never really been treated to one so I guess its a surpise to me too. Anyway, I am excited about the skit. Other than a movie surpised me the other day...How to Deal...it stars Mandy Moore...it is a great movie...I hate a walk to remember...and I loved this movie. I recomend it.

Today was a day of good convos. You know those talks that just leave you wanting more. That every word the other person says you are like - dude for real I totally am feelin that. I kinda skipped church - a major sin yes I know - and just had quality alone time. Lately I have just wanted to be alone more often - I want to focus more on God than people - sounds funny but I tend to care more about pleasing people than about God. Well anyway so Michelle came up and told me the most incrediable news about support for Bulgria...God totally wants her there this summer and it is so exciting to watch her excitement. We were able to have great converstation... something our schedules don't allow so much anymore. I love Michelle becasue I can be totally myself with her - I don't have to worry about her judging or not accepting me...she is just freaking awesome. I have missed her so much lately so I am way pumped that we are going to Spain togther. I also had great converstation with LeLyne...I love that girl. I always walk away feeling so blessed by her. I love that she sees that same things about people I see. I love to analzing people...seeing their motives, why they do the things they do...what kind of personality they are. anyway, I had some people problems lately (I am starting to think I am a magnet for conflict) and I was able to use her as a sound board and get such postive feedback. It is nice to know other people think the same as you do...its like YES I am not psycho! Then I had soild time with Jondra Brewer. Ok I want to be as beautiful as her when I get older...that and she is amazing. I learn so much from her - she has such Godly wisdom. I love praying with her. So basically yeah...God has just blessed me so much today through such increabile sisters in Christ. He is faithful all the time.

Hello world,
I honestly feel like a sellout for making one of these. I don't know what to even really write about - Is this journal for me or so everyone else -how much do I share and how much dhould I write? Do I have to be all super spiritual and talk about God all the time? Basically this whole thing is new to me. My goal for this journal is that I can be real - real with myself and about myself. I am not a very nice person a lot of the time and I have what some people would call "issues". Don't be surpised if I cuss - sometimes they really are the only way to express ones feelings - and they are freaking halarious. I am a horrible speller...so be prepared.
Well, about my day...
I woke and and went to lelyne's wedding shower...it was amazing. I wasn't all crude and dirty...it was a time of encouragment. Lelyne is amazing woman of God - my neighbor...and she is getting married this summer. She has to pay for her own wedding dress...well she couldn't afford one so she was borrowing one from a friend. Somone had this great idea to buy her dream dress...well we all chipped in a bought it. I have never seen such joy on a persons face before...she literally glowed...for real radiated. One could only cry along with her as she wept with joy ...image wearing not just a beautiful wedding dress but one all your friends have put their money into...wearing that dress down the isle will be ...ohh if only words could express that feeling. It was the least jealous I have ever been in my life.
Work was well..Khol's...I really love the people I work with...they are very different from JBC people...and that is a good change..they are real people...people who don't live in this gated community.
That about wraps up my day...who knows what tommorrow holds...I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.