So I think that this will be an all nighter...and I am down with that...I have a paper for restoration and to finish my Romans notebook tonight. I am way excited..after this I am done with 2 classes...thats like only 3 to go! Uhmm well a lot has happened...Yesterday was great...it was a good day. I hade my CSF banquet and it was fun...I sat across from Josh - he kept me entertained, Jesse- kept up great convo, and Steven - who kept up the randomness. I then gave a tour of good old JBC to them...I love the fact they came...it meant so much to me - They got to see my home here. uhmm then today I got glasses...I also think of when I did prision ministry when I wear glasses. The inmate I met with told me that he liked girls with glasses cause underneath they were all crazy- especially in bed. Yeah so That was the last day that I did prison ministry alone without a male partner. Wierd story to think of...uhggnnnjmsJASH it still creeps me out. Then I spent 5 hours in the computer lab...and will be up quite late toinght also - why do I do this to myself. Uhmm so I decided I regret some things in life...one is the way I have distanced myself from people I have conflict with - I just give up on them and it isn't right. The second is that I haven't been Christ to my family. The third is that I did not ride the bull in Gatlinburg when I got the chance - I will do this - ohh yes I will! I guess I am learning a lot about myself this semester- a lot of bad things - and I realize that I have to be open to the good and learn to take a compliment. It is now only 21 days till I leave for New Zealand - holy crap Batman - I am so soso sosos oso excited!

So you know it's near the end of the semester when:
1)you avoid everyone - everyone gets on your nerves and you seek company of complete strangers
2) you start to plan how you will spend your summer - in detail...make a huge must do list.
3) you start to regret not keeping in contact with anyone from home becasue you now realize you have no friends when you go home - this forces contact with current peers
4) The high point of your week revolves around what food they serve in the cafe
5) you also start to fondly remember meals - like the old way they made Chicken pot pie last year with the pastry crust...that was good stuff.
6) Going on short drives (I like to get up early - say be out by 9am on a monday ) and get chores done becomes the wayto escape.
7) a roommate that you for the past semester you have been thank God for suddenly becomes you worse enemy - not really because of anything they have done persay but just becasue they exist.

well...I guess these are all extremes and are probally why I am currently in couseling but for real...I hate these last 2 weeks...some call it a time of bonding I call it a time of reality...peoples true selves come out...take I am not a very nice person and it comes out. I know what I need a deserted beach, my Bible, notebook, pen...and a pinacolda - virgin of course -ok maybe a hot cabanna boy named Miguel...but thats all I really want..is that too much to ask out of life. Oh I made an eye doctor appointment for monday...yeah for being about to see thing from a distance again. Uhmm ohh Dr. Eubanks called me and my girls table his harem...and I found out that Mrs. Eubanks was first engaged to Dr. Eubanks' roommate...its a really funny story. Oh and I decided I will teach my children baby sign language - saw a kid that knew it today and it was way precious...and he was able to communicate so well.

Today has been one of those days where so much has happened. So I was talking with a friend about prayer and listening to God. I realized that God uses people to really speak to me. Less that 5 min later God spoke to me...My friend and I were talking about Women's roles and such...a topic where I get a lil defensive. Well anyway he said that his wife will stay home with the kids...I honestly totally agree with that- thats what I would want to do if I had kids. anyway so I left and I sat outside and just wrote down everything that I want to be in a family and that God has called me to be. I noticed that the ones I had a problem with were caused by pride. Then I realized that if I can't even submit God what make me think I will be able to submit to my husband. So then I really pondered that for a while and yeah I really need to work on it. I also got to talk to one of my best friends form my old colllege, Amanda, today on the phone (I am her flowergirl in Aug) yeah so I found out another one of my friends had her first kiss and didn't call me - I totally cried hardcore on the phone - I hate missing out so much of their lives - I love them so very much and they were everything to me - crapola the tears are so back - screen getting blurry- ahhhh so emotional. ok I am done - then Amanda's weding shower is this sunday and I won't be there (its in KS) and I of course started to cry again at this point. Well yeah so it was amazing to get to talk to her - I just wish I could be with them - it makes me regret my decision to transfer. I mean transfering was cool and all and I am glad that I am here....I just really miss it there and in May there is no there becasue they all graduate...its so sad. AHHH this whole growing up thing blows. Well anyway other than that I just started reading Abba's Child by Brennan Manning - I normally don't like mushy God is my daddy junk but the first chapter hit home last night. It talks about how Christians treat themselves...he even talks about how we project our feelings about ourselves on to God. So its open dorms for the guys - just gotta visit one then run home to type a final - one down 4 to go!

Today was a good day..well so far...ok well its almost over. I started the day a lil late...but I was honestly looking so good - get to class and this girl is wearing the same thing as me - only a pink top (mine was blue) it was really funny. Then I sat by myself in chapel...I DID IT..it didn't bother me at all - yeah see couseling really does work! Then was Restortion History - I always leave that class with my head spining - I just don't understand it all ...I just wanna sing, "Why can't we be friends" Then I ate lunch - way gross - someone in the kitchen got a lil salt crazy with the potatoes. Then I too the sweetest nap ever - I slept through my alarm - I never do that - it was a beautiful thing. Then was couseling - one of those trying to wrap up the semester times that sucked - She isn't going to be here next year - I am like so bummed!!!! Uhmm then was dinner which was fun. I made Heidi Glexner turn red when I talked about Pam eating dog balls...its a long story (dog was eaten but not its actual balls) I personally think balls is a fun word...say it with me balls...see so much fun is to be had. Yeah then was open dorms...so only 4 people even stopped by...I gave them all the grand tour...even told one to come back anytime (hey a girls got to make a living right?) - yeah I totally blushed and turned bright red- I never blush...how do I say things like that anyway. Well I also got to watch cheaper by the dozen - I seriously almost peed my capris...so funny. I so want a small red headed boy with glasses - my favorite kid in the movie - mark. Other than that I finally got to talk to tres - been too long buddy. I also have to make fun of myself for another moment - I definately offered guest coffee and chocolate - darn my hostess mentality - I was almost as bad as the baking freshman girls. I found my flight info - well kinda I know I can probally get a better deal I just suck at searching for flights...I hate doing it. uhmm other than that I have been thinking a lot about God and how I put him in a box...well at least his plans for my life - I jsut have no idea if I am doing what I want or what he wants - ahh this whole thing really bites a lot. One minute I am so sure and the next I am looking at something else...why am I so fickle. I guess I just have to learn how to put me aside - my hopes and dreams- so hard to do- I am so selfish most of the time. But on the upside 4 weeks till New Zealand - hard to think of it being that close - seems so unnatural.

So another weekend has passed...I am having some hardcore sinus problems...I feel like a man...all gross and ugly. Uhmm didn't do much this weekend...just hung out with peeps. I guess I have been a lil blue lately. I think it comes from not feeling well. it too will pass. I realized that I am a catty girl and I talk a lot of crap about people...I am so ready to move out of the dorms and be free but alas I have one more semester and I need one more class to fill my time...what to take....so few choices.

So today was random...I only had one class so that was fun. I then talked in Harvesters for lke a minute about Spain...then this girl that I will admit I have written off as well....a jerk and rude. well she came up to me and told me that she saw Jesus in me as a talked as she never had before. It was kinda humbling and a blow to my ego and it made me think about about how I am a complete jerk face and a snob. Yeah then I went shopping...and bought this really super cute cardigan with white and pink flowers embordered on it... ok so I got it home they aren't flowers they are skulls...pink and white skulls on my cute new black sweater. Yeah so that one is going back to the store...what was I thinking...I am a idiot sometimes. Other than that I really don't feel good...a cold and sinus thing..suck I have never been so sick as I have been this semester...old age getting to me I guess. Well I am off to work...yeah 7:30-11:30pm how much does that suck.

So I have been back from Spain for 3 days now. OK there is no way to describe Spain..It was wonderful and it was horrible at the same time. I learned so very mush about myself and also about true friendship. I learnt that I love teaching and that I am gifted in this area. I also realized that I am not a meek mild woman...I am me...and that is ok. I also learned I am very much a D personality when I need to be and that is a good thing. I learned that there is no such thing as being "over spiritual" especially on the missions field. I learned a lot about what I want a short term trip to be and not to be. I learned that God does so much more than I could have ever expected. I learned well so very much...I had a hard time in Spain to be honest. There were some definate unity issues and personaility conflicts (which of course I was involved in) I feel funny writing this because Michelle will probally read this...but I honestly use this journal for myself and I really need to process some of the things that happened as well as address them with the people involved - not just complain about them. Spain is an amazingly beautiful country and I was blest to have been there. I really feel led to live in Europe for a season of my life. I also realzed that I will not be happy in life unless I am in fulltime ministry. Other than that 4 weeks till New Zealand - sweet mother that is creeping up on me. Uhmm yeah and I way jet lagged and quite tired. Yeha and I am addicted to Damien Rice (I so spelled that wrong ohhh well) I just got his cd...so goooooood!

Hey what up....So life has been crazy busy while I have been in prep to go to SPAIN...but now I am well tommorrow at 3:10pm I will be going there...sooooosooosososos excited. I know God will totally use this trip...I am like way ready to be there...ahh...well I probally won't be able to write for a good long while...I'll be home April 12, 2004.